


Don't Want To Be Torn

by shes_a_man_eater



Category: Supernatural, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-04-26 12:53:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14402529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_a_man_eater/pseuds/shes_a_man_eater
Summary: The setting will take place after the apocalypse. You were a member of the Sanctuary and you had an ongoing relationship with Negan. You prayed everyday for a change when suddenly the world was back to normal due to an angel by the name of Castiel. After the world was restored, Castiel informed you of all the supernatural beings that would be lurking in the world to which he referred you to the Winchesters. The first one you met being John Winchester.





	1. Chapter 1 - The Old and New World

_ { Disclaimer : This will not be the best, but I am hoping I can work this out to my best ability. This will be a crossover of SPN and TWD and includes John Winchester and Negan. The setting will take place after the apocalypse. You were a member of the Sanctuary and you had an ongoing relationship with Negan. You prayed everyday for a change when suddenly the world was back to normal due to an angel by the name of Castiel. After the world was restored, Castiel informed you of all the supernatural beings that would be lurking in the world to which he referred you to the Winchesters. The first one you met being John Winchester. In this story I kind of want it to be like a doppelganger affect, so just bare with me because this my friends, is hard.} _

  
  


It was safe to say you were madly in love with Negan, though you were definitely unsure if he felt the same. Negan had a few wives, some had left by now due to the ongoing war with Rick. You were nothing, you were just a medical assistant in the infirmary and he had his wives yet he chose to be with you more often. Granted you would fight and they became more useful. It hurt but it was your agreement. You didn’t hold the standards of a girlfriend or wife. 

 

_____________________________________________________________________

  
  


Today the war had ended, Rick saved Negan but was still hostile. You were one of the nurses that Rick called upon to look after him which wouldn’t have happened had anyone known of you two. It wasn’t long till night fell, and you were left at your bed, asking for a world where things were somewhat normal. Little did you know that things would change over night. 

 

The next morning you woke up to commotion through the halls, you assumed the dead had made their way inside so you locked the door. Hearing a voice behind you, you jumped. Turning around you saw a man in a trenchcoat. “Don’t be afraid. Open the door.” Upon opening it, you could see people were happy. Reaching the outside of the Sanctuary you could see the dead were just gone, and all traces of them were just gone. You heard the familiar voice again, “I heard your prayers and I found a way to stop it, but in return I need a favor.” You nodded, knowing the sooner you were away from this place the better. Negan wouldn’t even notice you were gone. 

  
  


Castiel insisted you packed right away, he had a few people you needed to meet. You grabbed a few things and then did this odd thing where you teleported, appearing in an entirely different state. “The dizziness will fade, trust me.” He stated, making sure you were okay to walk. You nodded, should you trust him? He already seemed weird but you just magically escaped a world where the dead walked so a man who could teleport wasn’t really bothering you. You heard the purr of an engine making its way towards you. Turning you saw a black 67 Chevy Impala and you became terrified. What was this? Two men got out, the man who brought you here called them Sam and Dean. You just wanted familiarity, you needed Negan’s scent but you were far from that. “I’m very worried about her.” Castiel told them. The short haired one who was referred to as Dean nodded, “Well we’ll take her to dad’s cabin. Obviously she can fight, she survived zombies.” Castiel came over to you, his hand gripping your arm softly. “You can trust them.” His eyes, filled with concern and reassurance. 

  
  


You got in the car with Dean and Sam, not really knowing what to say. “Nice car.” You leaned up to the front. “Can either of you answer me as to how the hell he just got rid of a zombie apocalypse?” The brothers looked at one another then the younger one, Sam turned to face you. “Castiel, well he’s an angel and I guess you prayed and he heard.” You nodded, knowing that if the dead could walk the earth, angels could exist. You were just happy to be in a world that didn’t consists on you looking over your shoulder. 

  
  


The drive was eleven hours, you fell asleep halfway through the ride. Sam woke you up when you reached the cabin. “So our dad isn’t here yet so we’re just going to hang out until then, if that's cool? We have beer.” Sam held up the beer and you took one. It had seemed like ages since you had a beer. You remained in the back of the impala, mainly because it was comfortable. Two hours later a truck pulled up, you got out of the car standing in between the brothers to greet their father. When the man stepped out of his truck your jaw dropped. “Negan?” You whispered. Sam looked at you confused. “That’s our father, John Winchester.” 

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2 - The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There isn’t really any smut in this one. The next Chapter will hold the smut. I will try and post a Chapter per day but it may be later than that depending on my writing. So please subscribe if you like this and want updates. I also post this series on tumblr if you’d like to follow me there as well.
> 
> https://shes-a-man-eater.tumblr.com

You couldn’t believe your eyes. This man looked exactly like Negan, but was clearly not Negan. His style was different and this man's personality clearly was different. You could tell by looking at him. So how was this possible? It was something you read about once, before the apocalypse. Something called doppelgängers, they say everyone has one. The thought of having to be around someone that looks exactly like the guy you were deeply in love with made you feel sick to your stomach. 

 

As he came closer, it became more clearer. Despite the different attire, he looked exactly like Negan and as he spoke he even sounded like Negan only less harsh. “This her, the girl Castiel found?” He was asking Dean which by all the body language you could tell Dean was more of the daddy’s boy. Dean nodded, “Brought her to us last night. She was with a group that was taking on the dead. Castiel finally found a way to stop it.”  

 

“Well, that’s nice, I think we all wanted it to end. I’ve been stuck in that underground bunker with Bobby since it started.” Your eyes darted between him and Dean, noticing how Sam stood back some. John turned his attention to you. “Come inside. I need to make sure we are making a good decision by taking you in.” You nodded, not really wanting to speak. He looked to his boys, “Does she speak or just nod?” Dean chuckled, nodding his head. “She speaks dad, I think she’s just tired.” You decided to speak up, “I haven’t really slept much since the dead became about. It actually be nice to sleep without the sounds of the dead snarling in the distance.” John nodded, “Well the cabins a little small, you can sleep in my room and I’ll take the couch.” Dean apparently wanted to be more macho, so he spoke up. “No she can have one of the spare bedrooms and I’ll take the couch.” John shook his head, refusing Dean’s offer. “I need you boys well rested for the hunt tomorrow.” 

 

Stepping inside you looked around, John placed his hand on the small of your back to lead you to where you would be sleeping. His touch send chills throughout you and it showed when your cheeks flushed a bright shade of red. “Easy sweetheart, no need to be nervous. I’m just an old man being friendly.” You chuckled softly, “You’re not old John, you’re just matured.” A small smile formed on his lips at the comment. “Thank you but I beg to differ.”

 

Entering the room you made yourself somewhat comfortable by sitting on the bed. John took a seat beside you, turning his body so he was more towards you. “What we hunt, I’m sure will shock you to an extent. We face demons and other things and with the way you survived the dead, I believe we could use you.” “What other things?” You were curious and the demons part didn’t shock you. “Here. It’s every case I’ve ever worked.” He handed you what looked like a journal. You smiled, setting it on the bed. “Thank you. I’ll look over it.” Depending on what was in that shoulder, depended on whether you stayed with these people or wondered on your own. John patted your shoulder. “Goodnight, (Y/N).” You smiled, whispering in reply  “Goodnight John.” 

  
  


You watched as he stood, making his way out to sleep on the sofa. You shut the door for privacy as you slept almost nude. You felt bad, making the man you just met sleep on the sofa. It seemed as if you had been laying there for hours, but it had only been about forty-five minutes. Normally you fell asleep instantly but for some reason your brain wanted you awake. You decided to take a look at what John gave you. Flipping through the pages you read about things you never even heard of. The next hour was you contemplating whether you could handle this. This whole time you wanted normal and now you had a shot but you were being sucked in. You felt guilty, you knew why you wanted to get close to John. It was the closest you’d ever be to having Negan again. 

 

After tossing and turning most of the night you had finally fell asleep, only to be blinded by the light five hours later. You groaned, standing to pull the curtains shut then curled up back under the covers. Closing your eyes you felt yourself drifting back but was disturbed by a knock on the door. Sighing, you called out not wanting to be spoken to this soon but they were giving you shelter. “Come in!” It was John, you didn’t even have to look up. You had been close enough last night to take in his scent. “Sleep well?” He asked, coming and sitting on the edge of the bed. “Barely.” You muttered, sitting up and rubbing your eyes to get adjusted with reality. 

 

He looked so perfect in the morning just like Negan. You sighed, taking a longer look at John than you should have causing him to notice. “You okay darlin’?” It gave you shivers down your spine. “Yeah just, you remind me of someone.” You half-smiled, looking away since you had stared enough. “Lucky man I suppose.” Was he flirting with you? “I don’t think he saw it that way.” With Negan, you pretty much felt like you were a place to park himself at night while you were madly in love and wanting much more. 

  
  


“His loss.” You looked over to John who was now taking in a much longer look than needed. The moment or whatever was happening between you was interrupted when Dean came to the door. “Hey Dad, we gotta get ready to go.” John was obviously irritated, apparently he had something on his agenda that didn’t include Dean. “I’ll let you boys handle it, I thought I’d show (Y/N) here around. Get her familiar with her surroundings.” Dean nodded, slightly annoyed himself. 

 

You however sat in bed awkwardly while all of this went on. You could still be sleeping, instead you were caught between a ‘who’s dick is bigger and gets her first’ contest. Or at least that’s what it seemed like. Dean exited the room, shutting the door as he left. Sam seeing his annoyance, became curious. “What’s with you? Where’s Dad?” Dean sighed, shoving what he needed in his bag. “Nothing. Dads just staying here with (Y/N).” Sam chuckled, “and that bothers you because?” Dean raised a brow at Sam. “Dude, she’s hot. I just thought maybe-.” Sam cut him off, “You thought you could get her first?” Dean mumbled something in audible under his breath. “Let’s just go and while we’re out, get you a hair cut.” Sam got defensive, “Hey, just because Dad’s getting laid and your not doesn’t mean you get to threaten my hair.” “Dad’s not getting laid, Sam. Just, let’s go!” Sam chuckled, swinging his bag over his shoulder and heading out to the impala. 

  
  


Meanwhile in the bedroom, John had shifted slightly closer to you. Reaching across you and grabbing his journal he looked over to you. “I take it you gave it a read?” You nodded, returning his gaze. “I’d like to learn more actually. I’d be willing.” John was pleased by your response, a wide grin spreading across his face as he set the journal back down. “Good. I’m glad. Did you want to take a look around town today? I noticed you didn’t have much with you.” “Yeah, I could use some clothes.” You didn’t even want to ask about money, it was probably better you didn’t know. “Alright. Get dressed and we’ll go.” John rested against the headboard, looking through his journal. After a few moments it became obvious he wasn’t leaving. You slid out of bed, pulling your shirt down to cover your panties until you could slip on some jeans then slid on your boots. “Okay. Ready.” He looked over, smiling. “Okay, let’s go.”

  
  


Your stomach was in knots most of the ride. You had this feeling, like he had a thing for you which made you more nervous because all your brain could comprehend was Negan but Negan was gone. You made that choice. You spent about an hour at a local shop finding some clothes that provided both comfort and style though you kinda dug the whole flannel shirt thing. “You like flannel?” John asked surprised. “Sort of. The material is comfy.” He chuckled, his hand once again resting on the small of your back. “My kind of woman.” You couldn’t help but smile at his words. He led you to the counter, paying for the clothes. Sliding into the truck you set the bag beside you. “Now where to?” John had this cheeky grin on his face. “What?” You blushed, smiling like a school girl wondering why the hell he had that look. “Nothing just thinking.” He started up his truck and made his way back to the cabin. 

  
  


Taking your stuff inside you set them on the bed. You felt John behind you. “John…” You whispered, knowing where this was going to go and as much as you wanted it, you just met the man. You turned around to face him, realizing you were inches apart. His palm rested on your cheek. “I know, that would be too soon. I just-I need to…” His voice trailed off as his lips met yours. He pulled you in closer, deepening the kiss. After a few moments you pulled away. John cleared his throat, smiling at you. You smiled back, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. He left the room, and you fell back against the door. Twenty-four more hours until Dean and Sam were due back. What the hell would happen next?

  
  



	3. Chapter 3 - The Couch, The Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> {Mild Sexual Content, Explicit. This chapter contains fluff and smut, also I suck at writing smut soooo bare with me. .} I know so far I haven’t covered the reader and Negan. I plan on doing a flashback chapter after this one. I can’t exactly tell you when Negan comes in to play, but I can guarantee it does get interesting. Hopefully.

It took you a moment to realize what happened. John had kissed you and despite your reoccurring thoughts of Negan, that kiss made you forget all about him in that moment. You opened the door, seeing John laying out on the sofa. “John.” Your voice was soft, and low almost in a murmur. John sat up, locking his eyes with yours. “Hey darlin’.” There was something in his smile. He scooted over, giving you a place to sit. Upon sitting down he placed his hand on your thigh. “(Y/N), I’m too old for games. If that kiss wasn’t what you wanted, we can pretend it never happened.” You nodded, which brought the assumption that you didn’t want it. John’s head fell, he knew a girl of your age could never love a man like him. “John I wanted it.” You whispered, seeing the gleam in his eyes as he looked up to you. 

  
  


He leaned forward, softly gripping your jaw in his hand and pressing his lips to yours. You fell into the kiss, leaning forward as your lips. John’s fingers fell to you’re jeans, working with the button and zipper to get them undone. Your head spun, as everything seemed to move quickly. You slid his jacket off his body, tossing it to the side then tugged his shirt over his head. You broke from the kiss, admiring his now bare chest. He laid you back, slipping off your jeans. His eyes met with yours. “You sure you want this?” You nodded, feeling the warm wetness building between your thighs. 

  
  


John nodded, slipping off your shirt then kissing a trail down your chest and stomach. Reaching your pubic area he dragged his fingers along your slit, your underwear preventing him from full access. Your hooked your fingers under the waistband of your panties before John took it upon himself to slid them off. His palms went to your inner thighs spreading your legs apart as he took in the view. His slipped his finger between your folds, your juices coating his finger as he moved it inside you. “Fuck..” He whispered, regarding how wet you were for him. You whimpered at his touch, it made you weak. 

  
  


After a few moments of teasing you with his finger he leaned down, gliding his tongue up your slit until he reached your clit. He swirled his tongue around it, sucking it as he held it between his lips causing you to whimper. “John…” You murmured, your hips twitching underneath him. His hands roamed up to your hips, holding you down as he slipped his tongue inside you. Just as you were reaching your climax he stopped, causing you to groan. “Oh not yet sweetheart.” You wanted to pout but you were distracted by the sound of his belt being unbuckled and his jeans hitting the floor. 

  
  


Looking down you were slightly disappointed to see he had on boxers. That was an extra step that kept you from getting to what you wanted. He was about to slip them off when you realized a more comfortable position would be the bed. “John,,,” He looked down at you, as if waiting for your question. “Perhaps we should take this someplace more comfortable…” He hovered over you, taking your legs and wrapping them around his waist before wrapping his arms around you. He lifted you up, your body clinging to him tightly and carried you to the bedroom. 

 

Laying you down he remained above you, leaning down and pressing small kisses down your neck and jawline. Sliding his boxers off he brushed a finger against your entrance making sure you were still lubricated. Rubbing his member, he placed the tip at your entrance slowly sliding himself inside. He groaned, feeling your walls tighten around him. Thrusting slowly he leaned down, pressing his lips to yours. Kissing him back, your soft moans were muffled. He grunted as he began to thrust faster, holding onto your thighs as he pounded inside you. 

  
  


Your fingers tangled in the back of his hair, rocking your hips to match his thrusts. You whimpered as you felt your climax building back up. “I’m close…” you murmured. John nodded, thrusting harder and deeper until your cum realeased around him. Pulling out he massaged his length, his cum shooting out on your stomach.

  
  


You relaxed back against the mattress, catching your breath before sitting up to grab something to clean up with it was a habit. You slipped on some clean underwear and a loose t-shirt and noticed John smiling. “What?” You were a bit confused, wondering what you had done. “That’s uh, one of my shirts but wear it. It looks good on you.” You blushed, laying back down. John slipped on a pair of boxers and kneeled down on the bed kissing your forehead. He slipped on some jeans and a shirt and made his way for the door. “Hey…” You didn’t want to seem clingy but you would be lying if you didn’t feel weird about fucking and then him leaving. He turned around, a small smile forming on his lips. “I’m going to get dinner. Can’t have you getting weak on us.” You grinned, slipping under the covers. There was still one thing you were unsure of. Was it really John you were attracted to? Or was he just a substitute for Negan?


	4. Chapter 4 - Too Realistic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ******* There will be a flashback of the reader and Negan. If you enjoy the story I ask that you please send it around. Once again, my story is also on tumblr. Reblog. { https://shes-a-man-eater.tumblr.com } There will be some angst between John and Dean.*******

The boys were due back soon and you had already gotten use to being alone with John but you knew that those things couldn’t consist around the boys. You had to get serious, focus on the hunt. John had finally made his way back, bringing what you had requested for yourself. He set up the table with yours and his food and came knocking on the bedroom door. “(Y/N), are you awake?” You had been awake since he left, anxiously waiting his return. You opened the door, smiling as you stood there still in his shirt. “Foods here.” He said with a smile, moving out of the doorway so you could get by. For some reason you had expected a better greeting than you realized that you two really weren’t anything. You were just two consenting adults that shared a sexual encounter and were now eating. 

 

You smiled, heading into small kitchen and to sit. “Thanks by the way. I need to figure out a way to earn some cash so I’m not freeloading.” John chuckled, shaking his head. “Yeah, I’ll help you figure something out.” After dinner you took a seat on the sofa, turning on the TV. John came at sat down beside you, which made you weird because what if he was ready to settle in and you were being selfish by hogging the couch? He seemed invested in whatever you were watching, but you also noticed out of the corner of your eye he was staring at you. It was the whole, when you look at him he looks away and vice versa. What did he want? You decided to test him. “You know, you don’t have to sleep out on this couch. I mean, considering current events sharing a bed shouldn’t be a problem.” John nodded in your direction, “I’ll give it some thought. You turnin’ in or?” You smiled, “Not yet. Though it might be soon.” John nodded, “I’ll head back with ya when ya do.” 

So there it was, a plan. He was sleeping in bed with you. Though the one thing you forgot was that the boys could be back at any time. John knew he was waiting for you to turn it, but he never said that he wouldn’t get you there sooner. He took it upon himself to go the cheesy ‘drive in movie arm thing’ where he stretched and put his arm around you. Seeing that move out of the corner of your eye you giggled, finding him adorable for trying that. “What?” He questioned, leaning in closer to you. “I guess my old moves are no good.”

His breath was on your neck, which had you nervous. “Absolutely not. I just thought you knew you didn’t need to pull those moves.” That pleased him, hearing he didn’t need certain moves to persuade you. “Really? You mean I’m making you like this….” He trailed his hand down to your legs, massaging you through the silk fabric that covered you. “So I get you all wet like this, with my natural charm?” Your breath hitched in your throat as you felt his fingers pressing through the fabric. “Yes…” You exhaled, whimpering at his touch. “I should head to bed.” He nodded, a smirk lurking on his face. “I suppose I’ll be joining you.” You nodded in agreement, lost for words. With your legs trembling as you stood, you slowly made your way to the bedroom. John sauntered behind you, closing the door behind him. Everything to you, seemed crazy. You had just met John and things moved in a fast direction which worried you. “We don’t have to do anything, (Y/N).” You nodded, although you wanted to. Oh god how you wanted to, you had already let things move to fast. It was safe to say Negan was far from your mind, or at least so you thought. 

 

John understood, and that’s part of what you liked about him. He was mature, and comforting. Yet at the same time you wanted him to take you almost every second of everyday. The whole day, you thought nothing of Negan. He didn’t even cross your mind. 

Slipping under the covers you felt John do the same. His arm reached out to you, pulling you close. It wasn’t soon after your eyes fell shut and you entered a deep slumber. 

———————————————————————

It felt so real, you weren’t even at the Sanctuary yet. You were still a member of Alexandria. You stood with the people of Alexandria as this man came to the gates, Negan. He had came for pick up, your community owed him half due to Rick. Negan had wanted weaponry, and items from the houses like your beds. It wasn’t till he saw you that he wanted more. “Well hello darlin’.” His bat rested on his shoulder as he approached you. “Names Negan, though I’m sure you heard my little conversation with Rick. Excuse my god damn language but you are fine as shit!” You were nervous, shaking. You had caught wind from some of what had went down with this man and some of your others. Heard about what he had done to Glen. You were practically terrified to speak. A smirk lurked on his face as he turned to Rick. “Along with all these fine goodies you have supplied me with Rick, I have one more request. I want her.” Taking Lucille, he pointed at you, looking between you and Rick waiting on one of you two answer. “You can’t have my people…” Rick's voice was weak, he was stricken with fear. “I’m sorry, that sounded like you said I can’t have something. See I thought you were aware of our agreement but seeing as you are not, I am going to have to remind you!” Before Negan could set his plan in motion, to harm another member of your community you stepped forward. “That won’t be necessary. I’ll go with you.” Negan turned to face you, holding Lucille at his side with a smile. “Take her to my truck fellas, she’s ridin’ with me.” 

The ride back was long, Negan practically gawked at you the whole time. “Relax darlin’, I ain’t going to hurt you.” You exhaled, “You hurt my people.” Negan sniggered, “Your people, crossed me. You have not.” Despite how you felt about him, there was something that had you longing for him. 

Making your way into the Sanctuary, Negan had already requested you have a room close to his. You settled in fine, and as the night fell upon you he came back to check on you. “Like the room? It is very close to mine.” You nodded, still afraid to speak to him. “C’mon darlin’ I know that mouth works.” “I like the room. Thank you.” You exhaled, making actual eye contact for the first time. Something about the look in his eyes, had you knowing that trouble was to come. 

 

———————————————————————

The dream that had seemed like a reality, made you open your eyes. Gathering your surroundings you realized you were with John, not Negan. You sighed in relief, snuggling back up to John and falling into a deep slumber. 

Morning came and the boys had made their way back. Sam had been the first to notice that John wasn’t on the couch. Even the door opening didn’t wake you and John up. “Hey Sam, where’s Dad?” Sam looked back, “In his room.” Dean looked confused, “So where’s (Y/N)?” Sam exhaled, “She’s in his room too.” Dean came up beside Sam, stricken with anger. “Oh of course. Of course he waited till we were gone. I bet he had it planned since he saw her.” 

“Dean calm down, we don’t even know if anything happened and even if it did, you had no claim on her. We literally just took her in.” That didn’t calm him down. “Sam, that’s not the point. This isn’t about her this about Dad. We both know what she’s going to be to him!” Sam raised a brow, “As opposed as to what she would be to you?” Dean stormed out and Sam immediately regretted it. It was a low blow at Dean. The commotion didn’t disturb your slumber however it did disturb Johns. 

“What’s going on?” John looked to San as he shut the bedroom door, not wanting anything to disturb you. “Dean’s pissed. He thinks you and (Y/N) slept together and he kinda thought she was hot. Thought he’d have a chance.” John looked down, not saying a word to his youngest. “Dad!” Sam sighed in frustration, knowing what that look meant. “It just happened Sam, I can’t help it. It’s the first time I’ve felt something since your mother.” Sam nodded, understanding how important that was for John. 

 

Dean came back inside, now seeing his father present. “I’m sorry did we disturb the slumber party?” “Enough Dean, I’m a grown man, I can do as I please.” Dean scoffed, “She’s old enough to be your daughter.” If it was one thing John didn’t like, it was his boys backtalking him. John grabbed Dean, slamming him into the wall. “You think I don’t realize that?! This isn’t your business, so quit making it your business!” The thump of Dean hitting the wall and John’s voice woke you. “Is everything alright?” Hearing your voice, John let go of Dean who then stormed out. John looked up to you which gave you an idea as to what the issue was. It didn’t help that you were wearing his shirt either. “I’ll calm him down.” Sam said, standing to head out the door. John nodded taking a seat on the couch. You knew this would happen. Your age would get in the way.


	5. Chapter 5 - Found instead of forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ******** MATURE CONTENT AHEAD ********

The dream was entirely too realistic. It was almost as if you were their reliving everything. On top of that John and Dean got into a spat, you knew why. 

 

John couldn’t even look at you as Sam stormed off to calm his brother. You couldn’t understand how calm Sam was yet how angry Dean was. Did he want you? You ran back into John’s room, throwing on clothes in frustration. You did not belong here, you wouldn’t have normal here. Even though we’re weren’t sure if that’s what you wanted anymore. John came in, as you were gathering your things. “Where are you going?” His voice was low. “I don’t belong here…” You mumbled, packing away the few hints you owned. “If it’s about Dean…” You didn’t even give him time to finish. “It’s not about Dean! Look at me John! I am old enough to be your daughter!” He took a step closer to you. You raised your hand. “Don’t John, I’ve made up my mind.” Aggression sat in with John. In his eyes you were his, you had been from the moment he laid eyes on you. 

 

He stepped closer, pinning you against the wall. “You’re not leaving.” It wasn’t forceful, but you couldn’t move. “John please….” He shook his head, “(Y/N), I can’t I’m sorry. I need you..” He exhaled, his warm breath against your neck. “John….” You whispered through a heavy breath. You still weren’t use to being this close. Especially after that realistic Negan dream. His hand trailed down to the button of your jeans. Undoing them, he slid them down, running his fingers over the fabric that covered your pubic region. “Stay with me, please…” He murmured, pressing his lips to your neck. You nodded, your bag thudding against the floor as it fell from your hands. “We also need to discuss you wearing underwear…” He rugged at the fabric, ripping your panties from your hips. 

 

You exhaled, feeling the fabric rip away from your body. Groaning as he slid two fingers inside of you. “John…” He shoved his fingers deeper. “Shhh…” He whispered in your ear. “Are you staying?” You nodded, whimpering as he thrusted his fingers in you. He picked you up, laying you on the bed. He slid down his jeans, positioning himself at her entrance. Slowly easing himself into you he began to thrust slowly, holding onto your thighs to ensure he went in deep. Gradually he began to thrust faster, slamming himself into you. Soon you could feel your walls tightening around him, mewling at his every thrust. Reaching your climax you wailed, clutching onto the sheets. The warm juices mixed with cum dropped down your thighs as John himself reached his climax. Pulling out, his stroked his member till he came aiming it on your stomach. 

 

Panting, you sat up on the bed watching his movement. John pulled up his jeans, and went into the bathroom to get you a towel to wipe off with. “Actually I was going to shower.” He nodded, setting the towel on the bed. Slipping off the rest of your clothes you stood under the warm drizzle of the shower. His words kept repeating in your head. He needed you. What made you curious was in what way did he need you. Surely not for hunting. 

 

Meanwhile, all the way in Virginia commotion had set in at the Sanctuary. Some had returned to their normal lives but there was one man who had not. 

 

Negan sat at the table, his hand resting on Lucille as he looked over the few loyal men who remained there with him. “I want her found!” He bellowed, his voice ringing down the halls. “I need eyes everywhere. (Y/N) needs to be returned to me.” “But sir, she wasn’t even-“ Negan cut him off. “YOU DON’T HAVE A GOD DAMN CLUE AS TO WHAT SHE WAS TO ME! FIND HER!” He hit the table with Lucille, sending the men off to find you. 

 

The boys had finally made their way back to the cabin and you felt as if you were fine enough now to travel and get some hands on training. Plus John clearly had some aggressions he needed to let out and although you enjoyed him fucking you senseless, after the incident with Dean you needed John to be John. Which meant hunting. 

 

There was a case in Virginia, very close to where Negan and the Sanctuary has resided. You were sure that by now they had cleared out and moved on though your gut told you otherwise. “You okay baby girl?” Johns voice distracted you from the thought of Negan possibly finding you. “Yeah just zoned out a little.” You couldn’t tell him, and how would you say it? Oh hey by the way the guy I was fucking before you looks exactly like you? 

It was simply out of the question and you knew it. John reached over intertwining your fingers together. “John, I’m too old to play games. What are we doing here?” He smiled, realized you were using his words against him, then his face became serious. “(Y/N), I’d love to give you an answer but I can’t. With this lifestyle….” He didn’t have to say anything else. You heard it all before with Negan. “Yeah….I got it.” The car ride after that was silent. The awkward silent kind that made you both uncomfortable. “Look it’s not that I don’t like you, I do. It’s the most I’ve felt in ages, I just can’t promise anything.” You nodded, still refusing to say anything. 

 

You got it, and it was shocking how comfortable you had become with it. He still made you feel better then Negan did, because at least John spoke of his feelings. Negan just sort of made you feel wanted but never told you how wanted you were. 

 

Later that evening, John had the boys guarding you while he was out scoping some for the case. You were in the motel which made the cabin look like a five star resort. Negan’s men had noticed you when you came out to get some snacks. Making their way back to Negan they stormed through the office doors. “Boss we found her. She’s at a hotel a few towns over, but she’s with two men. Possibly three, we saw a truck leaving. Negan nodded, grabbing Lucille. “Daddy’s going to be gone for a few days. Think you all can handle it here?” They nodded, knowing it was big for Negan to trust the Sanctuary to anyone aside from Simon and Dwight. The Sanctuary also required less work. Most of the people had moved on, started a life. Some stayed because they feared the outside walls. The saw it too good to be true. 

It took Negan a few hours but finally he found the motel, parking across the street. He was about to get out, come to the door when he noticed John’s truck pulling in. Seeing John, Negan almost pissed his pants yet found irony in the situation. “Oh sweetheart. You’ve totally not moved on.”


	6. Chapter 6 - Something’s not right.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ******** ANGST CHAPTER AHEAD ********

So Negan had found out your location and was watching you. Seeing how you were with John. You were also having more dreams of Negan. Some even involving both Negan and John. They weren’t pleasant, you kept seeing Negan pounding in to John’s skull with Lucille. 

 

John tried his best to comfort you but with the dreams causing you to wake up almost screaming, you had John very concerned. As the sun peeked through the window, you felt John’s arm wrap around you. “Good morning.” He whispered, pressing his lips to your neck. “Good morning.” You replied, still not having a clue as to where any of this was going. “I’m going out on a case with the boys today. Think you’ll be fine?” By this point he had already let you go and was getting dressed. You nodded, sitting up in the bed. “I should be able to handle it. I’ll go rent some movies or something.” You hadn’t hunted once, which was the one thing John promised you. He just kept saying you weren’t ready but you were. 

 

You slipped on some clothes, standing in the doorway as he packed his bag. Sam and Dean stood, they still avoided you. Sam made attempts to speak but it seemed like it pissed off Dean. John made his way over to you, his hands resting on your hips. “I know...you’ll be hunting soon I promise….” You asked him everyday so he pretty much knew and just reassured you. You nodded, he slipped you a spare credit card that would be safe for you to use. You looked up to him with pleading eyes. You hated being stuck in a motel while they went out, there were even nights when Dean and Sam made it back before John which kept you wondering.

John just leaned in, pecking a kiss on your forehead. “Come back soon.” Dean cleared his throat causing Sam to nudge his arm. “Dude!” Dean shoot him a glare. “What? We need to get going.” John grumbled, “We’ll go when I’m ready.” You retreated into the bedroom, closing the door to slip on clothes. John had been leaving you his key and riding with the boys so you had transportation, at least until he could find you a car. 

Coming out you watched from the window as the impala drove away. John left his key in the normal spot and you grabbed it along with the card and made your way to the truck. Driving around town you kept feeling as if you were being followed. Coming to a stop, you made your way inside the store, looking for some food that appeased you. 

Negan had been following you, waiting for the right moment to confront you but there wasn’t one. Negan was seeing you in a lift he’d never seen you in before. He wasn’t sure if it was because the world was normal or if it was the fact that you’d moved on. Torn, Negan thought of making his way back to the Sanctuary. No, he had to stay. He made his way back to the motel you were staying at. Going into the office the woman recognized him. “Problem with your room sir?” He shook his head. “Just lost my room key.” The receptionist gave him a key and he made his way into yours and John’s motel room. 

After finding yourself food you made your way back to the motel, deciding to just read more of John’s journal and use Sam’s back up laptop to browse movies online. When you arrived, your turned the key in the knob confused when you saw John. “John?” You asked confused. “Where’s Sam and Dean?” Negan who decided to play along rose up out of bed. “I had them bring me back. Told them I’d meet them in a bit. I wanted to spend a bit more time with you.” You sighed, sitting your food down and coming over to the bed. “That wasn’t necessary. I told you I’d be fine. Besides, you promised I’ll be going hunting soon anyways. This gives me time to study.” Hunting? “Yeah about that…” He responded, hoping he could get her to elaborate without blowing his cover. “I’m safe with you John, we’ve spoke of this. The things you hunt I’m ready for. I’ve read your journal.” Negan nodded, patting the spot on the bed beside him. “Come here.” You felt like something was off with John, he looked different but you just assumed he had changed before coming back. He held onto you as you rested your head on his chest. Negan was pained, it was obvious you had moved on and being here with you didn’t help the fact that he had lost you to this clone fucker. 

Soon, being comforted by who you thought was John, you fell asleep. Negan decided to read John’s journal to figure out what exactly you would be hunting. He couldn’t believe it. This clone of his, was going to endanger you just to be closer to you. 

At a point of your nap your eyes fluttered open catching a glimpse of what looked like Lucille. You weren’t sure if it was a hallucination from a dream or if it was really there so you forced yourself to wake, taking another look at what was Lucille and it was Lucille which meant this was not John, this was Negan. “You alright baby girl?” He whispered, kissing the top of your forehead. “Yeah. Just didn’t mean to nod off.” You sighed, rising up and slipping out of the bed. John had a gun hidden in a place only you knew about in case danger ever followed him back from a case. You reached for the gun, hiding it behind your back until you reached the bed. “What’s wrong darlin’? Ya look like you’ve seen a ghost.” You brought the gun to your side so it would be in Negan’s view. “Why are you here Negan? How did you find me?” Negan kept up his ruse, “(Y/N, what are you talking about?” You raised the gun, your arm shaking from your nerves. “Dammit Negan I saw Lucille!” Negan smirked, arising from the bed. He approached you, the gun now resting on his chest. He took the gun from you, tossing it to the side. You turned, trying to turn away but he pinned you against the wall. “Oh we’re not done here, darlin’. You held a goddamn gun to me, that shit does not fly!” His face was inches from yours. “You can’t be here you don’t understand…” You were pleading, in Negan’s best interests as well. If the boys or John came back, seeing an identical version of John, they would kill Negan thinking he was a shapeshifter. “Oh I understand. You left me for a weaker clone of me! What does he have that I don’t?! What can he give you that I can’t?!” You pushed back against Negan’s chest. “Dammit Negan, listen! I don’t know why he looks exactly like you, but if they see you, they’ll kill you. You read his journal, you know what a shapeshifter is. They’ll kill you….” Negan chuckled, enjoying the fact that you still had that spark in you. He gripped your jaw, his other hand brushing against your hair. “I’m not leaving unless your with me…” 

“Why?” You uttered through an exhale of breath. “You never needed me! I wasn’t good enough to be considered a wife or even be acknowledged as anything to you!” He slammed his fist against the wall. “I loved you! That’s why. Those women, meant nothing (Y/N). They held that title to be useful. You saw them. They couldn’t kill, they couldn’t survive! You could. Oh baby you could survive and I loved that…” His words caught you off guard and as you thought about it you realized it, they were truly useless. He used your silence as an opportunity, pressing his lips to yours. Every fiber in your being told you to pull away but your heart longed for those words to be said, and for him to kiss you just like this. A few seconds past and you pulled away. “I’ll think about it.” Negan dragged his teeth along his bottom lip, his eyes never leaving you. “Take all the time you need. I’m needed back at the Sanctuary, I’ll be back in a few days.” You chuckled, “That place is still running?” He nodded, accepting the fact that for most people, it was just until the world was right again. “I guess some still need me.” With that he grabbed Lucille and made his way out the door. You sunk to your knees, wondering what the hell to do. Would you choose Negan? Or had you actually fallen for John?


	7. Chapter 7 - Stressed Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much, her passing out and high temperature was from stress. Seeing Negan and not having John is what made her that way. *****Mature Content Ahead*****
> 
>  
> 
> Also sorry its short. I cut my thumb open so typing is hard.

With John gone and Negan’s visit, you were overwhelmed. You locked the door, curling up into a ball on the bed. He loved you, and what wouldn’t make sense was how he treated you. Of course behind closed doors he could be the sweetest when he wanted but in front of others, it was leader Negan. Barking orders at you, yelling at you over the slightest things. He treated you as if you were just another member of the community. 

John, well John made you feel needed. He made you feel wanted, it didn’t matter who was around. You had a lot of thinking to do, and you also had to be on the lookout. If Negan were to come back, he could easily pretend to be John again. You doubted it, but you never put anything past Negan. You sighed, running over decisions in your mind. You had wanted Negan so long and now John flooded your mind. Looking over at the clock you realized you had twelve hours before John came back. Closing your eyes, you slipped into a deep slumber despite it being day time. You needed rest and sleep was the way. 

******Flashback Ahead******

Soon you found yourself back at the Sanctuary, you were in bed with Negan. His hands were caressing your thigh, attempting to wake you up. You groaned, looking up to Negan. “What?” You muttered under your breath. You remembered this moment, you had a huge fight that day. Negan looked down at you, his eyes not staring at you but through you. He knew you could never stay mad at him long. “I made you mad, I know but I also know you can’t stay mad long.” His hand moved up your thigh, then slipped down in your pants. His finger rubbed against your clit causing you to whimper. “Shhh, be a good girl for daddy.” You nibbled on your bottom lip, trying to hold in sound. He slid two fingers inside you, thrusting them in and out. You groaned in frustration, grinding against his hand as he fingered you. Your climax was slowly approaching when he pulled his fingers out of you. You whined, glaring at him for stopping. Negan unbuckled his jeans, flipping you over on your stomach and tugging down your pants. You knew what he wanted. Getting in position on your knees, you felt the tip of his member at your entrance. 

 

Roughly, he thrusted himself inside you. You grunted, feeling him push himself in deep. Negan was never gentle with you. He gripped onto your hips, his fingers firm against your flesh. He pounded into you, groaning as he felt your walls shape around him. “Fuck (Y/N)...” He moved his hips faster, his fingers gripping you tighter. You gripped onto the sheets, whimpering as he pounded in you. “That’s right baby...cum…” His words, his voice echoed in your brain. You wailed, reaching your climax. It never took long with Negan, he always found ways to make you come quickly. Slowing down he pulled out of you, rubbing his member until he came on you. “I’m sorry…” That was about the fight. He wiped sweat from his forehead, pulling up his pants and buttoning them back.

 

Waking up, you were in a feverous sweat. You got up slowly making your way to the bathroom, feeling nauseous. Nothing came up but you felt like utter shit. You groaned, making your way back to the bed. Your hands shook as you dialed John’s number, it immediately going to voicemail. “Hey John, it’s me. I don’t know what’s going on but...something doesn’t feel right.” You hung up, too exhausted to leave anything else. You laid back down, passing out into a fever induced coma. 

 

Soon you were woken up to John shaking you, holding you in his arms as he saw your eyes barely flutter open. You groaned, being shushed by John. Being in John’s arms, your fever subsided. John exhaled a breath of relief, feeling your pulse calm down. “What happened?” You sighed, unable to tell him. “Just a bad dream. I woke up and I was all hot and then well now I’m here with you.” You tried stretching out, but John refused to let you anywhere besides his arms. “I love you, (Y/N). Coming back, seeing you unconscious, it scared the hell out of me.” You almost fainted again. You held onto him, knowing how you felt for him. Aside from what feelings you had for Negan and the decision you had to make you knew one thing. You loved John Winchester. “I love you too, John.”


	8. Chapter 8 - I can't love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ******* Sexual Interactions between characters. Mature Content. *******

John had not left your side since he returned, worried there maybe something going on with you. “I’m just worried..” John grumbled, tossing his hands up in defense. “I’m fine John. It was a small stress fever, and my increased body temperature made me faint. John sighed, knowing you were just stubborn. “Ya know (Y/N), I’ve been thinking…” You had been on the laptop, studying up on what happened to you. “Oh really?” You peeked up over the laptop. “About what?” John exhaled, it was a big deal for him considering the way things could go. “I’m going to let you come hunting with me. Small things, nothing big until you get the hang of it, but I need you to understand things will change some.” “Change?” You were confused as to what he was saying. “A relationship is off the table already, these monsters feed on personal grievance.” “Oh I see…” You murmured, looking back down at the laptop. “Look, you could still share a room with me, I just- If I’m going to hunt with you I can’t love you...like I do.” You sighed, “Yeah, I agree one hundred percent.” John looked down, it was as if he expected you to fight for him to love you. “Hey, I need to run somewhere before we take off.” He looked at her confused, wondering if he had said something wrong. (Of course you had John.) “My friends aren’t far from here, I just need to see them one last time before I come with you.” He nodded, giving you the keys to his truck. 

 

Within an hour you had made it to the Sanctuary, the few who still stood with Negan despite the world being safe again, recognized you and let you through the gates. Voices rang on the radio about your presence, causing Negan to come outside. Shutting off the truck, you got out and Negan just held your eyes in a gaze. “Can I talk to you alone?” He simply nodded and you followed him to his room. No one ever disturbed him there. He closed the door behind him, and you turned to face him. Negan smiled, a gleam of happiness in his eyes. “You’ve come back…” You glanced down, sighing. “I’m not here permanently.” The gleam in eyes faded, “Oh. Okay.” You took a step forward, cupping his face in your hand. “I love him, and I love you and I’m torn.” Negan nodded, resting his hands on your hips. “I know.” Negan had been giving it a lot of thought, but he also knew ways to have her without her knowing it was him. You looked up at him, somewhat still angry from the conversation you had with John. Dropping to your knees, you unbuttoned his pants, freeing his member from them. Massaging him, you took him in your mouth, coating the length in your saliva. Negan groaned, his fingers stroking your hair. You only did this for Negan, of course John hadn’t asked and with the current situation you didn’t care of you did. Your head bobbed back and forth, drool running down your chin. You felt his cock twitch in your mouth. “Fuck, (Y/N) I’m going to cum.” That normally would make you stop, which is why what you did shocked Negan. You took him deep in your throat, his cum spurting out and drizzling down the back of your throat. He groaned as you released him from your mouth. You wiped the excess cum and drool from your mouth and stood up. It was clear your actions had aroused Negan for further interaction as he pushed you down on the bed, stripping your pants away. You whimpered as his tongue sank in between your folds. His finger gripped your thighs and you tangled your finger up in the back of his hair. His tongue swirled around your clit, causing you to moan. He enjoyed that, you could feel him smiling while he stroked your clit with his tongue. “Dammit just fuck me!” You pleaded, and he looked up at you. “Oh we’re demanding now are we?” You smirked, it always turned him on when you demanded things. “Yes I am.” He dragged his teeth against his bottom lip, now standing and looking down at you. “Well I guess I ought to what the lady says.” You nodded, motioning him with your index finger to come closer. He leaned down, pressing his lips to yours. You spread your legs open, and while kissing you he shoved himself inside. Your moan was muffled against his lips. Negan had his hands on each side of you, gripping onto the sheets as he thrusted in you hard. You mewled at the feel of him in you. It had been so long. John was great in bed but you missed Negan. He moved harder inside of you. It was almost instant, you never lasted long in sex, especially not with Negan. Your walls tightened around him, feeling yourself at your climax. You wailed, clutching onto him as you released, your juices dripping down your thighs. Negan followed behind you, grunting as his cum released inside of you. Negan pulled out of you, rolling over into the spot beside you. You looked over to him then cuddled up beside him. “You’re really going with him?” He looked up at the ceiling, hating the thought of you with John. “Yeah, I need it. I’ll come see you. Maybe you can even come find me.” He nodded, raising up to slip his pants the rest of the way on. “Well you should go then.” You sighed and slid back on your jeans, frustrated with these two men. “Yeah.” You wrapped your arms around him tightly, he took in the scent of your hair, trying to hold back his emotions. Letting you leave again was the hardest thing for him. 

You made your way out of the sanctuary, and driving back to the motel pained you. As you pulled in you saw the impala, as if you needed an altercation with Dean right now. You also needed to talk about this with someone, not sex with Negan but you Negan in general and Sam seemed like he would be the most understanding. The boys and John were talking when you came back in, John’s eyes locked on you when you came in. You were flustered from the sex. “I’m going to shower. Then I’ll be ready.” It’s almost as if John could smell it on you. He followed you into the bathroom. “Have I done something?” He came up behind you, trailing his hands down your sides. “I know I said a relationship was off the table, I didn’t mean everything else was off the table.” Really John? Cause that’s what it sounded like. “I just can’t love you..right?” You heard him sigh so you turned around. “It’s a little fucking late for that John. So what, I can fuck you but I can’t tell you I love you?” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Dammit (Y/N) you know I love you, I just can’t have these things finding that out, they’ll hurt one of us to get to the other, they already use my boys against me and vice versa.” So pretty much nothing changed, you could only love him in the motel and that just wasn’t enough for you.


	9. Chapter 9 - Make up sex is the best sex.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ****** Mature Content Ahead ****** (Also, apologies for the shortness. I've been getting a late start.)

John had been trying, hard and when I say hard I mean it. He stayed constantly bringing you your favorite foods. He bought you a shit ton of flannel, everything he could to make things up to you for what he said, because in reality he didn’t mean it. He wanted nothing more than a relationship with you but he was absolutely terrified he’d lose you like he did Mary plus with this life, it just never worked. 

 

“Hey baby, I uh I got you something.” He scratched the back of his head, holding out a shirt. A shirt you recognized. It was the first shirt of his you put on. The one he said looked good on you. “That’s your shirt.” You murmured, looking up from the laptop that held information on a case that was over in the next town. He tossed the shirt down on the bed, sitting beside you. “(Y/N), I’m trying here..” It pained you seeing him like this, and you felt a week of him groveling and getting nowhere was punishment enough. “John..” Your tone was low, as you shut the laptop. You turned, scooting close and wrapping your legs around him. “I get it, okay? This life it’s not fit for anything.” His hands wrapped around your waist and he pressed his forehead to yours. “I love you, (Y/N).” You smiled, pecking his lips quickly. “I know, I love you too.” 

 

Sam and Dean had watched John gravel so much over the week and he had been asking the boys for advice. When he asked about the shirt, they gave their approval. “Dude dad is so whipped.” Dean chuckled, sipping from his beer. Sam just chuckled, shaking his head. “He loves her. Be happy for dad.” Dean nodded, “I know, and I am. I’m just glad I didn’t get whipped. Guess dad helped me dodge a bullet. Although for him to buy her all that, it’s got to be some good pussy.” Sam’s jaw dropped, hearing him talk of you that way then decided to mess with him. “Careful Dean, she may end up our stepmom one day.” Dean took another swig of his beer, rolling his eyes at Sam. “Talk about a milf.” Sam punched Dean’s arm, then realized that yours and John’s room was quiet. “Okay, either she killed him or it actually worked and we should probably head out because it’s going to get loud.” 

 

Yeah, that’s right. You and John hadn’t had sex in a week. It was part of his punishment and the boys knew that once you forgave him for whatever he had done the room would become loud. Hearing the impala roar to life, you looked up at John. “They’re leaving.” John nodded, his hands rubbing your waist. You moaned softly, you had missed his touch and this felt nice. “Someone needs attention.” He grinned and all you could do was nod. John laid you back in the bed, sliding up your shirt and kissing down your stomach. You inhaled sharply, feeling his lips against your skin. He curled his fingers under the waistband of your shorts and tugged them down. He leaned down, pressing his tongue inside you. You whimpered, your hips twitching. He held onto your thighs, pulling you down everytime you tried to writhe out from under him. He dragged his tongue up your slit, swirling it around your clit. You wailed, your hips jerking and your back arching off the bed. “Easy girl.” He murmured, the vibration rumbling through you. You shuddered, taking in a deep breath. You were definitely lubricated enough for him and he was more than ready. He undid his jeans, sliding them down. He positioned himself at your entrance, then roughly pushed himself inside. You cried out, gripping onto the sheets. John rammed into you forcefully over and over, grunting as he held your ankles up at his shoulders. You mewled at each forceful thrust, getting closer to your climax. “John, please!” You whimpered, feeling your juices run down your thighs as your orgasm flooded over you. You huffed, John still pounding in you. You felt his cum spurt inside you, causing him to groan as he pulled out of you. He fell on the bed beside you, intertwining his fingers with yours. “Fuck.” His free hand wiped sweat from his forehead. You thought back to you and Negan for a moment, but shook it off. It wouldn’t happen again. You rolled over, cuddling up to John. “I shouldn’t have overreacted.” John shrugged, looking over to you. “I get it. I just, I can’t lose you.” You exhaled, resting your hand on his chest. “I know.” You whispered, knowing that you had to make a decision before the two loves of your life met. 

 

The boys came back out later and John insisted on going out. All of you went to a bar a couple of streets down from the motel. Sam setup in the corner with his laptop and a beer. John and Dean went to play darts and you were left standing. Bar life wasn’t for you. You went over and sat down with Sam who looked at you funny. “Your sitting with me?” You scoffed, offended by his comment. “Yes I am. You’re the only one aside from John who likes me.” Sam nodded, “Well Dean likes you…” You nodded, getting the point. “So I have a problem and I was hoping to talk to you.” Sam raised his brow, hoping that it wasn’t you saying you were pregnant. You could tell by his face what he was thinking. “Oh god no, not that. Um it’s actually way more complicated. So remember where Castiel found me?” Sam nodded, sipping his beer. He was multitasking, still on his laptop as well. You reached forward, shutting his laptop. “Listen to me. I was involved with a man there.” Sam still couldn’t see where this was going. “He found me, but the problem is, he looks exactly like your father.” Sam choked on his beer then leaned forward, talking in a hushed tone. “Like a shapeshifter type thing?” You shook your head, “More like doppelganger.” Sam held up a finger, getting on his laptop and searching up the word. He looked up at you after reading the definition. “So there is a man, that looks exactly like dad, who knows where you are and still wants you?” You nodded and he gave you an odd look. “No it’s not why I’m with your father. Your father and him, despite their looks are very different.” He sighed, a bit relieved that you weren’t using his dad in some sick fantasy. “We have a problem then.” You nodded, knowing it very well could become one. You exhaled, somewhat glad to get that off your chest, but could you trust Sam?


	10. Chapter 10 - Separate ways.

Sam had taken the news of his father having a ‘twin’ very well. He had also agreed to keep it a secret until you were ready to tell John, but he did insist you telling him soon. Sam knowing, meant he wanted to know everything possible about doppelgangers and share that knowledge with you, which meant you and him being alone with a laptop a lot. 

 

“So in mythology, doppelgangers are considered spirit doubles.” Sam sat down on the edge of your bed, shoving his laptop in front of you. “They say if you see your own doppelganger it’s like an omen of death.” He was worried, about his father. “Sam, if nothing has killed your father yet, I believe he’s safe. Besides we don’t know how much of this is true.” He sighed, shutting his laptop for a second and turning to you. “(Y/N), you said Negan and my father are two very different men despite them looking alike. I have every right to worry.” You were about to argue when the door knob clicked, and John entered. “Just think about it, okay?” John looked confused as Sam grabbed his laptop and rushed out of the room. “Think about what?” John asked as he tossed the keys on the end table. “I’ve been having this strange dreams, I asked him to look stuff up for me. Says it could be an omen of death.” You shrugged, laying back on the pillow. “I’m sorry, death omen?” John’s voice was not pleased. “What are you dreaming?” You sighed, you didn’t have to give him details but you could reveal some. “Doppelgangers. I had him research them. Look I’ve read up some on doppelgangers, people meet theirs all the time and are fine. The facts Sam found were in Mythology.” John nodded, laying down beside you. “Just don’t give me reason to worry.” 

 

He wrapped his arm around you, and you rolled over to face him. “Are you sure everything's fine? Sam’s been around here a lot.” You cupped his face in your hands, pecking his lips gently. “I’m not into either of your sons, John. I’m into men like you.” That was an understatement. John’s resemblance to Negan is what drew you in. You could admit that, but you weren’t proud of that. Overtime you’ve fell in love with John but you still love Negan too which is why everything was hard. John stroked your hair, pressing his lips to your forehead. You exhaled, running your hand over his chest. “I don’t deserve you.” You murmured, avoiding his eyes. “No baby, it’s me that don’t deserve you.” You playfully hit his chest then cuddling up to him. “You deserve the world John.” You closed your eyes, taking in his scent. You hadn’t been sleeping much at night so you were a bit tired. His warm embrace soothing you to sleep. 

 

Two hours later you woke to a bed that didn’t contain John. You rose up, looking around and he wasn’t there. “John?” He wasn’t in the motel room. You stood, looking around and you realized he was gone. Everything of his was gone. You were confused, had you said something in your sleep? You had dreamt about Negan and John. Looking over to the bedside table you found two notes. One was from John, the other Sam. You read Sam’s first. ‘ (Y/N), Dad came to me. I know I promised I wouldn’t say anything but he was worried about you and so was I. I told him about Negan. Me and Dean are on our way to find him, make sure he won’t be any danger to Dad. Dad however, he didn’t tell us where he was going.’ You sighed, crumpling up the note and throwing it in the trash. You grabbed John’s note next. ‘ (Y/N), Sam told me about my doppelganger. I’ve let the boys go and hunt him down. I’ve requested they leave him alive, I’m sure you wouldn’t want him dead. I will be back at the cabin. So, you can either come here to me, or go find him and warn him that my boys are coming. I’ll love you either way. ‘ 

 

You sat back down on the bed, holding his note to your chest. Now you had been given the ultimatum. You looked over and the shirt of his was still there. After all, he had given it to you. You laid back on the bed, cuddling the shirt. After moments of thinking, you decided. You weren’t going to either. Going back and forth wasn’t helping you. You packed his shirt along with everything else into your bag and made your way outside. There was a car with another note. ‘ Gift from Castiel. - Xoxo Dean. ‘ “Great, a car. I could really use you Castiel.” You forgot how the whole calling thing worked and was startled when a voice chimed in behind you. “You needed me?” You turned around, looking him over. “Why the trench coat?” Castiel looked confused as if he didn’t understand your question regarding his fashion choices. “Why not? Anyways, I hope the car is okay? I understand you have a decision to make.” You nodded, leaning against the hood of the car. “What are you going to do?” You sighed, brushing a strand of hair out of your face. “I’m going my own way. I can’t do this Castiel.” He nodded, attempting to embrace you in a hug but it just ended up awkward. “Sorry, I’m still not good with human interaction yet.” You nodded and Castiel vanished. Oh how you wished you could do that, just vanish and be somewhere else. Getting in the car, you tossed your bag in the back. Starting the engine and put it into drive you sped off. Making your way to the only place you knew to go. It was your home before the apocalypse. 

 

It had been two days since John abandoned you at the motel. Dean and Sam had waited on your arrival, despite their confrontation with Negan who swore along with his men you had not been there. Dean dialed John’s number, wondering if you actually chose John. “Hello?” John’s voice was rough, almost as if he’d been drinking non stop since being at the cabin. “She never showed. Is she with you?” John sighed on the other end of the line. “No, she’s not.” Dean was a bit annoyed, no one knew where you could have gone. “Well where the hell would she go?” Dean questioned. “I don’t know son. Maybe it's for the best.” Dean knew what his father was doing. John hung up and the boys looked to Negan. “I may know where she is..” Negan leaned against baby and Dean shot him a glare. “She probably went home.” Dean nodded, looking over to Sam. “Where’s that exactly?” Sam spoke up, knowing Dean didn’t really care.

“She’s home. Charleston, North Carolina. It’s all she ever talked about. It was her plan to go back when the apocalypse ended.” Sam nodded, dialing John’s number. “Boy’s look I said it's for the best-” Sam cut him off, knowing John didn’t mean a damn word. “She’s in Charleston, North Carolina.” John sighed, knowing Sam wasn’t going to let this go. “Look dad, I’ve met this guy. He looks just like you but he’s completely different. If she loved you, it was for who you were.” John wasn’t in the mood to listen, he hung up leaving Sam frustrated and set on finding you. Would they? Would you even go back?


	11. Chapter 11 - Caught

It had been a week, since you had been home. Sam had tried to call you and so had John. The voicemails of course were very different. Sam went on about how John was heading down a destructive path while John just claimed he was fine and for you to tell Sam and Dean you were fine so they would leave him alone. You were done, with John, with Negan. You had no plans to go back. Your parents unfortunately were still gone, which you knew would be the case. Hearing a knock at the door you sighed, standing up from your self wallowing to answer the door. It was Sam and Dean had the impala running. 

“Can we talk please?” He asked, and you lost it. You were so pissed at him. You slapped him across the face and slammed the door shut right in his face. He was the reason everything was the way it was, or were you just blaming him? You chose to see Negan, you chose to stay with John. You chose to tell Sam which led to current events. Sam knocked on the door again and you opened it slowly. You were already over yourself and you held the door open, allowing him to enter. He seemed different, and that worried you as well. 

 

“Please talk to Dad.” Sam begged, knowing John was not at his best. “Your father wants nothing to do with me.” Sam shook his head, chuckling softly. “(Y/N), He’s been waiting at that cabin for you since we left the motel.” You nodded, then realized the other thing that was mentioned in the notes. “What happened with….” Sam interrupted, knowing what you were going to ask. “We didn’t hurt him, though we told Dad we did. Looking at him, seeing the resemblance. It freaked us out. I mean, I get it. I get why you have such a hard choice.” You looked up at Sam, unsure if he was sincere. 

 

You looked around, packing a bag. You had more clothes here than you ever had anywhere else but the only thing you bothered gathering was the things John bought you. “Don’t tell him I’m on my way. I want to surprise him.” You made your way to the cabin, cutting the engine off as you finally pulled in. It was three in the morning and John’s truck was here. You still had the key, unlocking it you made your way inside. You could here a noise coming from John’s room and assumed he had kept himself occupied with adult movies. That was not the case, as you opened the door you found a woman hovered over him. John grunting and groaning in passion while she wailed, thrashing around on him. John’s eyes locked with yours immediately and he practically pushed the woman to the side. By the time he put on pants you were already outside, frantically searching through your keys for the car key. He made his way out, jerking the keys from your hands. You rested your head against the roof of the car, tears forming in your eyes. You knew if you faced him, you’d slap the shit out of him. 

 

“Give me my keys.” You spoke as calmly as you could. “(Y/N, I’m not going to try to justify what I did I just want to-“ You interrupted him with a slap to the face. “I said, give me my goddamn keys John!” The woman he had in his bed had already gotten dressed and made her way outside, scurrying off down the road. You shot her a glare then turned your attention to John. “Really John? It’s only been like two weeks. Not even that.” He looked up at you and you could tell he had been drinking, which made you feel worse. He made his way back inside, still holding your keys which meant in order for you to get them back you had to go inside. You stormed in after him, finding him in the bedroom. “John I want my damn keys.” He sat on the edge of the bed, running his hand over his scruff. “Not until you listen to me. That was nothing. Okay? I’m sorry. I can’t justify it. It was wrong. I’ve just-you didn’t come here! You didn’t even go to him. You just left. I took that as you never wanting me, I was drunk and lonely.” You sighed, knowing if you wouldn’t have been stubborn this might have been avoided, but it still didn’t justify his actions. “Change the sheets. I’m going to shower but first off, there are some rules. First off, please quit drinking. It doesn’t suit you. Second, you are not to touch me until I say so. Third, you are lucky I’m even staying so please...don’t even speak to me tonight.” He nodded, heading to the closet where he kept extra sheets. 

 

After your shower, you made your way into the bedroom and John was already passed out. You smiled slightly, still finding him attractive. No, you couldn’t. You were mad at him. Sighing, you made your way over and slid into bed, putting a pillow in between the to of you. Why did you have to walk in on him like this? Why couldn’t he have been asleep? It made you look at him all different. By morning, the pillow had been moved and John’s arm was draped over you. You didn’t even have the energy to move his arm off you. In fact it felt nice, and you snuggled into him. John opened his eyes, not moving his arm off of you though he could. “You’re letting me touch you.” You rolled your eyes, avoiding his stare. “I’m still mad at you though.” He knew that, he just nodded and held you tighter. “I’d like to kiss you..” He whispered, his hand rubbing your waist. “Were your lips anywhere on her last night?” He shook his head, and though you were sure he was just lying you gave in. He pressed his lips to yours, pushing the hair out of your face. This is all you wanted, but now you weren’t sure if it was going to be the same.

 

Pulling away, you rolled over getting out of bed. “(Y/N)...” John whispered, looking up at you from the bed. “John, please just….” You sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “I want you so fucking bad but all I can think about is that….and you and I just can’t.” John sighed, sitting up and scooting down to hold you. “You can, you're just afraid. She meant nothing, in fact I was so drunk I-I barely remember her.” You sighed, slipping off your shirt slowly. It had been too long for you and hot hate sex was better than no sex. John stopped you before you could take off anymore clothes. “Just wait..till you are more comfortable with me again.” Did he just stop you? Did he not want you? What had life turned into for you?


End file.
